SUPER FUCKING HAPPY

2008-07-07T00:28:14Z

BUYING MY PLANE TICKET TO ARIZONA TOMORROW. :]
STAYING WITH HEATHER AND HER FAMILY.

SUPER FUCKING HAPPY.
OMFG.

I LOVE YOU BABYYYY

NOW GET BACK HOME BECAUSE I FUCKING MISS YOU XD

Place Less Traveled

2008-07-03T20:48:05Z

Title: Place Less Traveled
Author: xheymoonx
Rating: PG-13, rating by chapter
Pairing: Ryan/Keltie, Ryan/Brendon, Brendon/Jon [pairing by chapter]
POV: Brendon's
Summary: Ryan Ross would be giving my eulogy and just the thought made him hurl his insides into the toilet.
Disclaimer: Hasn't happened, don't think it ever will.
Dedication: beautifularmour, the most amazing girl.
Author Notes: Comments and CC are welcomed and appreciated! This is going to be done in parts. So if the ending confuses you, sorry! It'll make more sense once it's all posted. Also, the link goes back to my journal, some of you may not appreciate the smallish font of my layout, so I apologize for that!

previous chapters:
one.

I'd spend hours watching Ryan stare at blank sheets of paper. His own desperate attempt at distracting himself from my death. He'd write a word here and there but my name seemed to be the only thing his hand would allow him to write.

Today was a bit different though. Today was the day he had to find something to say. He had to find some way to verbalize his feelings. My life. The love he felt. He was the only one in the band that had enough courage to step up in front of all the people who would be attending my funeral. Ryan Ross would be giving my eulogy and just the thought made him hurl his insides into the toilet.

"Fuck you, Brendon," he breathed down into the musky hole of the toilet. He slapped a hand lightly against the side of his cheek and wiped his mouth dry of all stomach acid. Pulling himself back to lean against the wall, he pulled one long knee up against his chest and rested his forehead on top it.

Ryan hasn't left the house much at all the past week I've been dead. It worries me a lot but I know it's pointless stress because there's plenty of people there that love him. That will take care of him. I'll admit that sometimes it's hard to watch Ryan. Everyone deals with my death in different ways. Ryan has decided that anger was what he was going to feel. He was going to hate every memory with me. Wish it had never happened, because it was much easier to hate something than deal with the hurt of wishing it was there again. He couldn't always keep it up though. He'd usually break around Spencer and end up crying, with Spencer there to try to pick up the pieces.

Today he's filled with even more hate than normal. Today he absolutely loathes me. He hates me so strongly today because I'm making him face my death. I'm making him verbalize and finalize it.

"You bastard. Fuck you, Brendon."

Fuck me, you're right, Ryan. I just wish I could give it another try, or at least explain to you how it actually was to fight to stay alive. To hold on just that much longer. What I would give for another try, Ryan, if only you knew.

"I wouldn't have to deal with this shit.."

His voice trails off as he slowly lifts himself to his feet from his previous position on the floor next to the toilet. His legs are shaking but he manages to make it over to the sink, where he proceeds to wash his face with hot water and brush the stale, vile taste of vomit out of his mouth.

He, of course, has no real idea of how long he's been in the bathroom. But his girlfriend on the other hand, Keltie, is more than aware. She'd even be a bit worried if it wasn't such a normal occurrence nowadays. Sometimes when she's going to bed I hear her asking how much longer he's going to act this way; Keep pushing her away. I wish I had the answers to give, because I can see it slowly breaking her apart. The poor girl. It's sad, but honestly, I care more about Ryan. In the end I just want everything to be easier on everyone.

There's a light tapping on the door and Ryan just sighs, he knows who it is.

"I'm fine, Kelts, stop worrying."

Ryan jumps in to say before she even has a chance to ask . Behind the bathroom door Keltie scoffs and rolls her eyes. Instead of letting him be right, she tries to play it off as if she wasn't even going to ask that question in particular. Ryan and I both know better.

"I was only going to ask you if you wanted anything to eat before..."

"No." Ryan cuts her off again. He doesn't want to hear her say the word funeral. He doesn't want to be reminded right now what an asshole I am for leaving them all behind. He already knows.

He hasn't been online in weeks. He doesn't turn on the television or radio. He doesn't even answer phone calls unless he trusts the person calling to know better than to bring my death up. He's done almost all he can to keep from being told every 5 minutes about how sorry everyone is that I was the biggest prick alive.

"Ryan, Listen. I know you're upset and broken that Brendon is gone and," she tries to say, but Ryan doesn't let her get in another word.

"You fucking bet I'm upset. That bastard. That selfish prick."

Ryan rips open the door and meets an irritated Keltie. Once again I feel a bit sorry for her. She's trying her best to be loving and compassionate about the entire situation but she can't really help herself when Ryan takes out the anger he feels towards me on everyone else. Especially her. And I don't blame her, I can feel in her heart that she does mourn my death. What she's mourning more though, was what she feels is the lost of Ryan's heart.

Ryan's face is going slightly red and he's breathing is off key. He's hardly healthy, but he never really was before I died. Keltie just stands there and waits patiently for what she already knows is on it's way. She's heard this all before.

"How dare he, Keltie. How fucking dare he. He was always selfish, but this is... this was... it just went too fucking far. I loved him. We all loved him, and he just had to fucking give in. He couldn't have tried a little harder? What about the band? His family? What about me? Fuck.. if anything.. what about Jon?"

My heart, if it had a beat, would have skipped right now. This is where I'd usually look away. I'd go back to Spencer.. maybe my Mom and Dad. But... Jon.. I couldn't. I wouldn't ever let myself listen to anything involving him.

Involving you...

But today.. Today wasn't any other day, and as I watch Ryan's hazel eyes fill with tears, I can't help but be reminded of you. The way the brown glistens in the shadow of the tears that are about to fall from his eyes. It reminds me of you.

Of you, Jon Walker.

Keltie's heart does in fact do a few skips of it's own, and her own brown eyes flutter with confusion, hurt and somewhere in there, sincere sympathy.

Keltie has never been sure of the way Ryan feels for me. She can remember, from the day she met Ryan, that there was always something more in the way he looked at me. I'd been curious myself for a while, and maybe even a bit interested. We have a past, one that is a big part of who I am and why I am the way I am but I never really understood his true feelings for me. Or for anything, actually.

Now that I'm dead, and everything that once didn't make sense when I was alive, is as clear as morning light, I've learned that Ryan has been in love with me for the longest of times. He'd just always been to weak to accept his feelings. To fight against his fear of what his friends might say. What his fans would think. What society would think.

And this suspicion that Keltie considered about Ryan's feelings for me was what made her tense up in this moment. The way she used to hate how Ryan would look at me, was exactly the same way she hates the way you speak of Jon.

The way he speaks of you.

In his voice there was sorrow. But just like there had been in his eyes when he looked at me, there was more buried underneath. Something hidden. Something he didn't want to be known but had more trouble hiding than he realized.

In his voice, talking about Jon, about you, there was also sadness. Jealousy. Envy.

What Ryan didn't want to admit, even to himself, about my death wasn't that I had left him, or anyone.

What he hates most is that I died with Jon in my heart.

I died with you in my soul, not him.

"What about Jon? Look at yourself! Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? To our relationship? I'm trying not to be selfish here, but at some point it's going to have to stop. He's dead, Ryan, and I'm sorry for that.. but he's never coming back."

Momentarily his blood boils but he breathes the feeling away. Instead he just scrunches his nose and pretends she hadn't said anything at all. He doesn't care how selfish his thoughts are because he'll never tell anyone. In Ryan's eyes, it's okay to be selfish and irrational as long as you keep it to yourself. And right now, he's wishing that Keltie wasn't there telling him that their relationship was falling apart. Instead, he wanted to be Jon. He wanted to be heartbroken in that way that Jon was heartbroken.

The way you're heartbroken.

"It doesn't make any sense, Keltie.."

For a second, her heart skips again and she's hoping that Ryan is about to apologize, or anything that might give her some reassurance that he cares about their relationship. She's a desperate girl, desperately in love for someone who isn't even glad to be himself. If only she knew..

"What doesn't baby?"

"Jon.. he's acting so.. It's just.."

Her eyes fill with tears and she gives in. She walks over to Ryan and kisses his cheek, whispering in his ear that everything will work out in the end. What else can she do? She's in love with a man who doesn't want to fully love her back. So she'll do what's best for him right now, and just hope that he'll come around. She dreads what might happen if he never does.

"I can't explain it either, but he'll come around as well. All of us are going to make it through this.." and with that she turns on her heel, fighting the sob building in her throat to go cook Ryan the breakfast he'll never lay a hand on.

Ryan stands in the hallway alone for a few moments, contemplating a few things here and there. Mostly about his speech but I can feel the corners of his mind creeping around the image of Jon. I'm trying my best not to focus on it, but he's so hard not to when I'm suddenly so aware of how long it's been since I've seen your face.. Since I've heard you voice..

Maybe one glance at how you're doing.. ?

I blink away, from Ryan, from Earth, from the entire living world. I'm afraid of what I'll see. Ryan's comments already have me doubting your stability. But you were always so strong, Jon Walker. You have to be alright. If you aren't now, you will be in the future, right? You always told me you would be whatever I needed. Anything and everything I need, that's what you would say.

What I need you to be right now is alright.

Walking outside into the brisk air that makes up Heaven, I take a deep breath and even the wind tastes exactly how I want it to taste, without me even consciously thinking it. It's been such a challenge being here. When I was alive, everything reminded me of you. Everything always just screamed Jon Walker. Being up here is no different. There's so many amazing things here, so much fun we could have. But I haven't allowed myself to think of you. Not directly. The idea of you, yes. The memory of your name, yes. But not you.

Not the way you used to smile when I made an idiot of myself. Not the way you laughed when I didn't understand half the shit that was going. The way you'd look at me when I was half asleep and trying to wobble my way into the kitchen for breakfast. The way you'd yell at me for doing something that had almost caused me to decapitate some part of my body. The way you'd get jealous and moody whenever some girls were flirting with me and out of reflex I would flirt back.

I never thought about the way I'd go out of my way to make you smile, even if it meant making myself look like a fool. Or the way I'd kiss you nose and tell you that you were the only girl I'd ever flirt with.. and we'd end up having a discussion about why I was wrong, and I, in fact, was the girl in our relationship.

For some reason, the breath left my chest and I realized that I was crying. I was doing exactly what I wasn't supposed to be doing. I was thinking of you.

And it hurts.

Biting my lip, I close my eyes tightly and rub the wetness away with the palm of my hand. I shudder because I know what I'm going to do. Even if I tell myself not to, I know I'm going to do it.

Today is no normal day, after all.

Today is my funeral...

happy birthday

2008-06-12T07:01:01Z

to my beautiful, amazing, talented, wonderful girlfriend Heather. :]

i love you so much.
i wish i could be there with you, but we have a lot of birthdays in our life together to celebrate. :]

smile as much as you can, because you deserve it.
and i promise, your next birthday is going to be an unforgettable one. ;D

you're the wind and i am the weathervane..

SUPER FUCKING HAPPY

Place Less Traveled

happy birthday